The Noodge

usertype{noodge} =>

The noodge is misunderstood to be a complainer or someone who pesters. This is a superficial definition.

Noodges must delegate most of their tasks due to the nature of their work roles—they rarely hold positions where they actually produce anything material—but they are utterly incapable of communicating delegated tasks in a manner that coworkers can easily understand. Thus almost every request from a noodge requires clarifications and a series annoyed questions and follow-ups to several other people. These follow-ups trace circular paths through most nodes of office hierarchy, inducing shaking heads, sighs, fowarded emails with sarcastic comments, and occasional bouts of fury. Noodge requests seem rude and off-hand, but this is usually due to a deficiency of empathy and foresight in the noodge, not any rude intentions. Noodges are often haunted by the well-founded suspicion that, although they must delegate, everything they delegate comes out slightly wrong.

Therefore, castigate not the noodge. Do not attempt to educated the noodge, for the noodge does not want or need further education. Seek no clarification from the noodge, for you shall only receive further obfuscation. Let the noodge’s requests pass through you unedited, so that the return path goes back to the noodge, and not to you.

A noodge-trapping preprocessor:

use UMM::DopeSlap qw( WTF? );

use Common::Sense;

use Time::MyTime;

if ($requesterType{$currentRequester} eq "noodge") {

   @realRequest = &noodgit($currentRequest);

   for $possibleRequests (@realRequest) {

      exit $_ if &processRequest($_) unless WTF?;

   }

} else {

   exit $currentRequest if &processRequest($currentRequest) unless WTF?;

}

sub noodgit {

   my ($request, $requester) = @_;

   while ( WTF? || $tm->wasted < 5min ) {

      push @realRequest, kwg ( gro ($request * peg ( $requester ) ) );

   }

   return @realRequest;

}

This is highly simplified, but the basic idea is if you must process a noodge’s request, do not do so directly. Always use peg to remind yourself of the user’s general personality, gro to rise above semantics and general rules of grammar to get at the meat of the intention behind the seed of the request, and wrap kwg around the whole thing to sift out the herrings. And of course, never process a request if you’re still thinking “WTF?”

The Contradictor

usertype{contradictor} =>

The contradictor objects to everything their interlocutor says. These objections do not have to be logical or even explicit but maybe communicated by as little as restating what someone has said in a doubtful tone of voice. Their favorite phrases include, “Are you sure?” “But yesterday,” “But I always thought,” “But this has never happened,” “But my home computer never does this,” “But you know,” etc. The contradictor is the king or queen of “but”. The amazing thing about their buts is that they do not have to bear any logical connection to the topic of conversation. The contradictor is simply compelled to fill in an objection after every statement you make. Try not to take offense. Try to sense when you really do not have to answer the objections, because the person is just thinking out loud. The highest compliment a contradictor pays is, “Oh, I guess you’re right,” stated in such a way that you still might be wrong. Ponder the logical disconnect and how difficult it must be for this person to perform basic daily tasks. Finally, clear your mind after conversations with a habitual contradictor. Do not search for justifications behind the contradictions.

Technonervous and Technowawa

Some sysadmins hardlink these two usertypes, but Naldo was insistent that they be treated separately.

usertype{technonervous} =>

User gets nervous when talking about ANYTHING to do with the computer and cannot articulate basic terms such as mouse, screen, or reboot. Bypass user, go straight to computer. Do not ask follow-up questions. Figure it out yourself. Most of the time it’s something your four-year-old niece could solve.

usertype{technowawa} =>

When you (a representative of the technocrati) speak clearly about anything, even the weather, user hears technobabble and furrows brow. They understand nothing except “wa waa blah blah right-click yada wawa” because they expect to understand nothing that tech support tells them. Note: The technonervous often do understand of what you tell them, especially with visual cues, and the technowawa occasionally will state a problem clearly enough.