The Noodge

usertype{noodge} =>

The noodge is misunderstood to be a complainer or someone who pesters. This is a superficial definition.

Noodges must delegate most of their tasks due to the nature of their work roles—they rarely hold positions where they actually produce anything material—but they are utterly incapable of communicating delegated tasks in a manner that coworkers can easily understand. Thus almost every request from a noodge requires clarifications and a series annoyed questions and follow-ups to several other people. These follow-ups trace circular paths through most nodes of office hierarchy, inducing shaking heads, sighs, fowarded emails with sarcastic comments, and occasional bouts of fury. Noodge requests seem rude and off-hand, but this is usually due to a deficiency of empathy and foresight in the noodge, not any rude intentions. Noodges are often haunted by the well-founded suspicion that, although they must delegate, everything they delegate comes out slightly wrong.

Therefore, castigate not the noodge. Do not attempt to educated the noodge, for the noodge does not want or need further education. Seek no clarification from the noodge, for you shall only receive further obfuscation. Let the noodge’s requests pass through you unedited, so that the return path goes back to the noodge, and not to you.

A noodge-trapping preprocessor:

use UMM::DopeSlap qw( WTF? );

use Common::Sense;

use Time::MyTime;

if ($requesterType{$currentRequester} eq "noodge") {

   @realRequest = &noodgit($currentRequest);

   for $possibleRequests (@realRequest) {

      exit $_ if &processRequest($_) unless WTF?;

   }

} else {

   exit $currentRequest if &processRequest($currentRequest) unless WTF?;

}

sub noodgit {

   my ($request, $requester) = @_;

   while ( WTF? || $tm->wasted < 5min ) {

      push @realRequest, kwg ( gro ($request * peg ( $requester ) ) );

   }

   return @realRequest;

}

This is highly simplified, but the basic idea is if you must process a noodge’s request, do not do so directly. Always use peg to remind yourself of the user’s general personality, gro to rise above semantics and general rules of grammar to get at the meat of the intention behind the seed of the request, and wrap kwg around the whole thing to sift out the herrings. And of course, never process a request if you’re still thinking “WTF?”

Estimation Iteration

In an episode of ST TNG, Scotty comes back as a guest star and ends up working with Geordi on, well, you know, transferring the warp drive hoo-ha to the shields, or some jibberish the writers pulled out of their butts. At one point Scotty is aghast to learn that Geordi always tells Picard exactly how long it will really take him to accomplish things. He insinuates that Geordi still has a lot to learn.

When I first saw the episode I thought the joke explained a lot about Scotty. The second time I saw this particular clip was while bartending for a crowd of engineers. They roared with laughter. I understood that perhaps there was a broader truth here.

Then one day I became a sysadmin and merrily told people how long it would take me to accomplish their various requests. Oops. After a few years I’ve gotten pretty good at giving what sounds like a reasonable estimate that in fact gives me tons of leeway.

On the flip side, users will gladly pretend they have a deadline and guiltlessly make you run in circles for no good reason. “If I could have that in ten minutes it would be fantastic,” runs the typical plea. You drop everything and produce whatever it is they need. They thank you. Two weeks later you find out they haven’t even used it yet. That’s when you know you’re on the receiving end of repairman culture.

Pretty soon, if you start thinking about it, you realize that all sorts of people have been giving you bogus estimates of just about everything in your life, not just how long it will take to get something done. Look at how “Heckuva job!” turned out. In fact, you realize you have been giving yourself bogus estimates. This haircut can work for a few more weeks. These running shoes match everything I own. I’m pretty good at making spaghetti. What’s that about?

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